Posted on Aug 1, 2012

Why many leaders find it hard to show appreciation

Have you ever felt acknowledged but not appreciated? What’s the difference?

While an acknowledgement can be made directly to a person, more often than not it’s made in reference to someone. In fact, it’s easy to acknowledge that someone has a specific talent or gift:

– “She clearly resolved that problem very quickly.”
– “I have no trouble acknowledging his tenacity and willingness to do whatever it takes.”
– “They have a real gift for handling difficult customers.”

While it’s nice to have your contributions or talents acknowledged, it’s not the same as being appreciated. Unfortunately, it’s easier to acknowledge someone than appreciate them.

Appreciation is more complex. It’s personal.

This is can be a real challenge for leaders.

The Value of Appreciation

Appreciation can mean different things to different people.

As a differentiating value, Appreciation means an expression of gratitude; recognition of excellence; or accurate perception.

Most leaders get the first part by simply saying “thank you”. However, there shouldn’t be any qualifiers about how good or bad something was done. It’s simply an expression of gratitude.

When something is done well, with excellence, then the appreciation might be moved up a notch by expressing it in public.

But true appreciation requires empathy. It’s about the person, not what they do.

Many leaders may believe they have an accurate perception about others, and understand what makes them tick. But the real test of appreciation is this: Do you like this person?

While it’s easy to acknowledge what someone has done, if you don’t really like them, you can’t show true appreciation.

This is where most leaders get into trouble.

A Leader’s Bias

We’re all human beings, with our natural biases and preferences about other people. We tend to gravitate and “like” those who match our interests, desires, goals, beliefs, and values.

Great leaders are different. They’ve learned to appreciate everyone.

When carefully considering the value of someone, such leaders can empathize with the individual’s:

– personal challenges
– internal battles and struggles to overcome themselves
– baggage they carry from their past
– hopes for a better future
– desire to make a difference.

To appreciate someone means we value his or her existence on the planet. If they were not here, right now, the world would not be the same. They are truly valued for who they are.

Thus it takes a strong leader to embrace the value of appreciation.

Leadership Couples

There is a unique leadership challenge for married couples that work together. Customers, employees, family members, and others who care, are always observing the quality of the relationship.

In a healthy marriage, a husband and wife should truly value each other. It shows in authentic expressions of appreciation for each other.

Simply acknowledging the contributions of your spouse isn’t enough. If appreciation is lacking in the marriage, it is much harder to demonstrate to others with integrity.

When my wife and I are working with married couples, it’s common for us to hear one partner acknowledge the talents, gifts, and works of their spouse. And yet, sometimes, true appreciation of the other is missing.

This negatively impacts the marriage and the business. And it undermines their leadership credibility.

Of course, it’s normal for the feelings and emotions in a relationship to ebb and flow. Frustration, anger, and disappointments occur in all marriages.

But as long as empathy remains, there is hope. The value of appreciation can return, and expressions of gratitude will sound again.

Leadership couples that learn to demonstrate the value of appreciation have a unique opportunity to make a difference that extends beyond their marriage. By living it in their relationship, they are leading by example.

This serves the dual purpose of positively influencing others and building healthy marriages.