Posted on May 2, 2013

How the Value of Autonomy could Wipe Out Divorce

The value of autonomy means free from external control and constraint; self-governing.

Marriage Questions:

Who has influence upon your marriage, outside of your spouse, and why?
When thinking about major decisions, do you always consider your spouse?
What does “two shall become one” mean to you and your spouse?
When is the next time just you and your spouse will get away for an extended period?

The Power of Autonomy

“Two shall become one” is a well-known phrase referenced a few times in the Bible. This means that when a man and woman are joined together in holy matrimony they go forward operating as one. They are a self-governing body free from external control and constraints.

They are fully autonomous. In fact, the value of autonomy is a Godly principle that could almost single-handedly wipe out divorce if it was embraced completely – and sustained – by every couple from the moment they got married.

How is that possible? Consider the common issues in many marriages today:

The challenges of a meddling mother-in-law (and/or father-in-law).
The burden of a dominating extended family.
The pressure to perform to the standards set by of others (e.g. extended family).

In the popular 1990 movie Home Alone, there’s a reason so many adults can relate to the 8-year old boy, mistakenly left behind as his large extended family head to Paris for Christmas. After getting over the initial shock, the boy dives into the sheer enjoyment of his newfound autonomy.

Woohoo! Freedom at last!

Maybe you and your spouse sometimes wish your wonderful, loving, large, extended family would sometimes just go away on vacation for awhile – without you. Better yet, turn this idea around.

What if you and your spouse got away from everyone else for an extended vacation?

Imagine an extended period of time where no one is asking you to clean, mow the lawn, fix the leaky faucet, go shopping, take your kid to their game, get the oil changed, visit your aunt, work overtime, help with the church fundraiser, attend a neighborhood association meeting, or listen to some family member complain about life.

There are many reasons a husband and wife choose to go away together on vacation. Renewing and re-engaging your autonomy together may be the best reason of all.

So……

Where would you go? What would you do together? Are you starting to get excited? That’s the sign of a healthy marriage!

Two Controversial Topics

There are two related topics that should also be addressed here since some will view them as controversial.

Topic#1: The family is NOT the autonomous unit.

Some will argue that the “family” is the primary unit and should include the children. However, there is much danger to this thought that threatens to destroy the union of marriage, where the children become the center focus and attention. Consider the preceding part of the Bible reference of two shall become one, where it states: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife” [Matthew 19:5].

Children grow up. They leave and get married. This leaves the husband and wife as the autonomous unit that God designed it to be. Therefore, a healthy marriage begins and continues this way throughout the entire marriage.

If you are a single parent, then you alone are the autonomous unit. Your kids will still grow up, leave, and get married.

Topic#2: It’s not healthy for a husband or wife to desire a lot of time alone.

If you’re thinking: “I wouldn’t mind if my spouse would join their family or friends and go away for awhile so I can truly be all alone” then not all is well in your marriage. If two shall become one, then you would never choose to leave one arm or leg at home when you go to work. You wouldn’t cut out one eye so the other one could be alone, doing all the work.

All parts of the body need to work together. If one part is hurting, the rest helps support it. The body functions in unity, as one.

Now, in a healthy marriage where the husband and wife operate as one unit, that doesn’t mean they must spend every minute of every day by each other’s side. That’s neither practical nor necessary. Work or other commitments may require extended periods of time apart and/or being alone. Plus every soul also needs time for solitude and prayer. But even these moments are planned and/or agreed upon together.

Therefore, when both husband and wife work together as a self-governing unit, free from external controls and constraints, they are much more likely to enjoy a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime.