Is it Time to Give Your Marriage a Rest?

Have you ever experienced that feeling of strain in your marriage?

• Tempers run hot. Affection stays cold.
• Happiness seems to have disappeared. Frustrations have not.
• Worst of all, there seems to be no end in sight.

Maybe just the very sight of your spouse can sometimes trigger negative emotions.

Clearly, you need a break. It’s time for some rest in your marriage.

But wait….. Are you planning the best kind of rest for your relationship?

Beware of a False Rest

Marriage counselors often hear one spouse (or both) suggest they need a break from each other. The belief is that time away from their spouse will help the relationship.

Rarely is this true.

Consider the definition of rest as a differentiating value.

Rest = freedom from work, strain or responsibility; a pause for relaxation or rejuvenation.

People assume the source of their “work, strain or responsibility” is found in the marriage, and thereby taking a break from it will somehow help. They also assume what they need is “a pause for relaxation or rejuvenation” from their marriage.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

In fact, taking a break in your marriage will likely only make matters worse. The source of the problem is almost always outside of your marriage, though it can be inside you.

• You (or your spouse) are consumed in your job (and might even be a workaholic).
• You (or your spouse) are under tremendous strain from an issue at work; a troubled family member or friend; or a personal dilemma (e.g. health, financial, or a bad habit).
• You (or your spouse) are struggling with a responsibility you can’t seem to resolve, from a work issue, to your volunteer role in the community; or from a commitment to a family member or friend.

In other words, the problem rarely lies in your marriage. It’s something else.

The moment you can recognize the problem is the moment you need to plan some rest.

A Different Kind of Rest

When you are facing a challenge, it takes courage to place your marriage first.  It takes guts to say “NO!” to others for the sake of preserving your marriage.

So don’t wait until your “2-weeks of scheduled vacation time”. Plan NOW for some rest together!

• Take a few days off from work and away from your responsibilities to spend time with your spouse. Go away for a 4-day long weekend, making it a romantic getaway. If you can only spare 2-days, consider the 48-hour relationship retreat.
• Come home early from work and go for a walk or bike ride together, or go swimming together at the local pool (or lake).
• Take your spouse to a drive-in movie this weekend (yes, they still exist!).
• Go for a drive in the country at night, when the sky is clear and the stars are shining brightly. Find a quiet spot to park and simply stare at the stars together.
• Take a day off from work and spend the whole day in bed together. Take turns reading a book to each other. Or you can both read your own books, but share the time and place together (Note: avoid turning on the TV. It’s rarely restful or rejuvenating.)
• Go to a museum or art gallery together and talk about what you see, feel, and/or experience.
• Learn something new together. Take a pottery-making class, or join a cooking class and learn to cook together.

Now… no excuses!

• If you have young kids, find a sitter.
• If you care for an aging parent or someone else, find someone to replace you for a few days – or least a few hours.
• If you feel trapped by tasks needing to get done (e.g. the dishes or the laundry), stop it! They’ll still be there when you get back.
• If you feel you can’t leave your many responsibilities, consider what would happen if you got hit by a bus. Everyone else would carry on without you (yes, you absolutely are replaceable, except to your spouse!).

Truly… you are free to choose. So choose your marriage, and give it a rest.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. Push back from all of life’s strains and responsibilities and inject some rest into your relationship. It’ll be good for you and your spouse!

What are other ways to give your marriage some much-needed rest?

Today’s value was selected from the “Fun-Recreation” category, based on the e-book Developing Your Differentiating Value.